180 Witty Quotes to Make You Clever and Smarter

Being Witty is possibly one of the best things you can do for your health. It can help lighten the mood or the environment. Being a witty person helps you appear more likable to the people around you. Having wit means you are intelligent but in a funny way! These witty quotes will give you a motivational punch and a help you to express how clever and smarter you are.

Witty Quotes

1. “Arguing with a fool proves there are two.” ~ Doris M. Smith

2. “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” ~ Edgar Bergen

3. “Action will destroy your procrastination.” ~ Og Mandino

4. “A true friend overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!” ~ Doug Larson

5. “People kept saying ‘Go Corona Go’ and it went to other countries to spread across the globe.” ~ Invajy

6. “People are prisoners of their phone… that’s why it’s called a “cell phone.” ~ Invajy

7. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ~ A. A. Milne

8. “There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.” ~ Will Rogers
9. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” ~ Mark Twain
10. “Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.” ~ Erma Bombeck

Funny Witty Quotes

11. “Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.” ~ Ralph Charell
12. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” ~ Reese Witherspoon
13. “A person is wise if he listens to millions of advice and doesn’t implement any of it.” ~ Michael Bassey Johnson
14. “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” ~ Confucius
15. “Dreams don’t work unless you do.” ~ John C. Maxwell
16. “Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs.” ~ Oliver Goldsmith
17. “You noticed that I wore this outfit twice? Why, the only thing you wear twice is a sour expression.” ~ L.M. Montgomery
18. “Retirement must be wonderful. I mean, you can suck in your stomach for only so long.” ~ Burt Reynolds
19. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ~ Oscar Wilde
20. “An intellectual solves a problem. A genius avoids it.” ~ Albert Einstein

Wise and Witty Quotes

21. “A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.” ~ Bill Cosby
22. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” ~ Groucho Marx
23. “A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.” ~ J. Robson Koenig
24. “Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
25. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” ~ Flip Wilson
26. “The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself.” ~ Albert Camus
27. “Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.” ~ Criss Jami
28. “To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often.” ~ Winston Churchill
29. “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” ~ Abraham Lincoln
30. “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” ~ Salvador Dali

Witty Quotes

31. “A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being ‘frank.’” ~ Robert Heinlein
32. “A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else.” ~ Len Wein
33. “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” ~ Robert Frost
34. “Pretending to care what men think is an art. It takes moments to learn, but lifetimes to master. I’d like to believe I’m an expert.” ~ Dennis Sharpe
35. “So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.” ~ Holly Hood
36. “The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it’s the same problem you had last year.” ~ John Foster Dulles
37. “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
38. “Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ~ George Burns
39. “Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” ~ Leslie Nielsen
40. “Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try.” ~ Claude Mermet

Witty Quotes about Life

41. “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” ~ Confucius
42. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~ John Wayne
43. “The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.” ~ Josh Lanyon
44. “Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
45. “You can’t experience simple joys when you’re living life with your hair on fire.” ~ Emily Ley
46. “Having children gives your life purpose. Right now my purpose is to get some sleep.” ~ Reno Goodale
47. “No on said life was easy – there are always challenges, and hurdles along the way that must be overcome.” ~ J.D. Rockefeller
48. “Life teaches you many lessons, many good, some bad. Just learn from the good and forget the bad.” ~ J.D. Rockefeller
49. “The most important things in life that are free are common sense, knowledge, and opportunities. If you acquire one of the three, the others will fall within your grasp.” ~ Jean Watson
50. “It’s far better to be alone than in bad company.” ~ George Washington

Short Witty Quotes

51. “We tend to get what we expect.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale
52. “An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
53. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ~ Will Rogers
54. “Children are a great comfort in your old age-and they help you reach it faster too.” ~ Richard Kauffmann
55. “Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.” ~ William Shakespeare
56. “Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.” ~ Stan Laurel
57. “Wit is the lowest form of humor.” ~ Alexander Pope
58. “A witty saying proves nothing.” ~ Voltaire
59. “Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make.” ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach
60. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” ~ Michael Scott

Witty Quotes

61. “Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” ~ William James
62. “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.” ~ Richard P. Feynman
63. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” ~ Wayne Dyer
64. “The important thing to remember is not to forget.” ~ Benny Bellamacina
65. “The world hates change yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.” ~ Charles F. Kettering
66. “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.” ~ Confucius
67. “Nothing uses up alcohol faster than political argument.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein
68. “I’m an angel. The horns are only there to hold up the halo.” ~ Suzanne Wright
69. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” ~ Bertrand Russell
70. “A large nose is the mark of a witty, courteous, affable, generous and liberal man.” ~ Cyrano de Bergerac

Sarcastic Witty Quotes

71. “Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.” ~ Howard Aiken
72. “One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh.” ~ Robert Heinlein
73. “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” ~ Rita Mae Brown
74. “The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” ~ Robert Brault
75. “When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small.” ~ Xondra Day
76. “Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.” ~ Enid Blyton
77. “Every habit makes our hand more witty, and our wit more handy.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
78. “Witty inspirations are the proverbs of the educated.” ~ Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel
79. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” ~ Margaret Mead
80. “Fools learn from experience. Wise men learn from the experience of others.” ~ Otto von Bismark

Best Witty Sayings

81. “I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” ~ Robert Benchley
82. “Your wit makes others witty.” ~ Catherine the Great
83. “Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.” ~ Francis Bacon
84. “A witty woman is a treasure; a witty beauty is a power.” ~ George Meredith
85. “You can pretend to be serious; but you can’t pretend to be witty.” ~ Sacha Guitry
86. “A woman can be sexy, charming, witty or shy with her shoes.” ~ Christian Louboutin
87. “The problem human beings face is not that we aim too high and fail, but that we aim too low and succeed.” ~ Michaelangelo
88. “In youth we want to change the world. In old age we want to change youth.” ~ Garth Henrichs
89. “Generally speaking, there is more wit than talent in the world. Society swarms with witty people who lack talent.” ~ Antoine Rivarol
90. “Such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves.” ~ Thomas Hobbes

Witty Inspirational Quotes

91. “The most wasted of all days is that in which we have not laughed.” ~ Sebastien Chamfort
92. “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford
93. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” ~ Mark Twain
94. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” ~ Lucille Ball
95. “You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” ~ Henry Ford
96. “A technicality I’m prepared to hide wildly behind.” ~ Jim Butcher
97. “I respect only those who resist me, but cannot tolerate them.” ~ Charles de Gaulle
98. “It is safer to beg than to take, but it is finer to take than to beg.” ~ Oscar Wilde
99. “Experience was something it was difficult to avoid, though many people had managed to keep it to a minimum.” ~ Philip Jose Farmer
100. “My mistakes are usually so enjoyable that I tend to repeat them.” ~ Lisa Kleypas

Witty Quotes

101. “This is the fast lane, folks…and some of us like it here.” ~ Hunter S. Thompson
102. “Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.” ~ Honore de Balzac
103. “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” ~ Bertrand Russell
104. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker
105. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” ~ Phyllis Diller
106. “We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
107. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” ~ Will Rogers
108. “Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things.” ~ Bernard Sahlins
109. “You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” ~ Solomon Schechter
110. “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” ~ Lucille Ball

Best Witty Quotes

111. “It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.” ~ Brigitte Bardot
112. “Some people die at twenty-five and aren’t buried until they are seventy-five.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
113. “The truth can be funny but it’s not funny to cover up the truth.” ~ Ryan Cooper
114. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ~ Charles Lamb
115. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” ~ Les Dawson
116. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” ~ Steven Wright
117. “Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.” ~ Gilbert Gottfried
118. “A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” ~ William James
119. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ~ Steve Martin
120. “I am not young enough to know everything.” ~ Oscar Wilde

Clever & Witty Quotes

121. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
122. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” ~ Mark Twain
123. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ~ Dalai Lama
124. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” ~ Groucho Marx
125. “We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.” ~ Samuel Beckett
126. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ~ Fred Allen
127. “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” ~ Sam Levenson
128. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
129. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” ~ Bryan White
130. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” ~ Steven Wright

Inspiring Witty Quotes

131. “I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.” ~ Mark Twain
132. “Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.” ~ Abraham Kaplan
133. “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” ~ Milton Berle
134. “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” ~ J. Paul Getty
135. “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” ~ Erica Jong
136. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” ~ Frank Sinatra
137. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ~ Isaac Asimov
138. “Silence is argument carried out by other means.” ~ Che Guevara
139. “I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.” ~ George Bernard Shaw
140. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” ~ Steven Wright

Sarcastic Funny Quotes

141. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams
142. “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” ~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti
143. “You can always tell when a man is well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.” ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
144. “Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” ~ Cecilia Egan
145. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” ~ Steven Wright

146. “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” ~ Lily Tomlin
147. “Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.” ~ William Congreve
148. “Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” ~ Cynthia Nelms
149. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ~ P. J. O’Rourke
150. “Zombies eat brains, you are safe.” ~ John Stewart

Clever Funny Quotes

151. “Pride only helps us to be generous; it never makes us so, any more than vanity makes us witty.” ~ George Eliot
152. “A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string.” ~ George Dennison Prentice
153. “One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty.” ~ Jane Austen
154. “Do you know why the number two hundred is so vitally descriptive to both you and me? It’s your weight and my I.Q.” ~ Lex Luthor
155. “To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.” ~ Andre Maurois
156. “That and the music was blaring. So loud that the radio station asked if they could keep it down as they cared about the safety of their listeners.” ~ J.S. Mason
157. “As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest blabbers.” ~ Plato
158. “If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones without scorching.” ~ Lord Chesterfield
159. “Wit is the appearance, the external flash of imagination. Thus its divinity, and the witty character of mysticism.” ~ Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel
160. “Think of something clever, witty or profound, keep it short and people may quote you.” ~ Bobby Darnell

Short Witty Sayings

161. “Wise are my ways witty my actions.” ~ N A Parnham
162. “Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.” ~ William Hazlitt
163. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” ~ Steven Wright
164. “People who can’t be witty exert themselves to be devout and affectionate.” ~ George Eliot
165. “Happy are those who have given up worrying once and for all.” ~ Ovid
166. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas A. Edison
167. “The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.” ~ Linus Pauling
168. “I not only use all the brains I have, but all that I can borrow.” ~ Woodrow Wilson
169. “Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” ~ Will Rogers
170. “Talkers are usually more articulate than doers, since talk is their specialty.” ~ Thomas Sowell

Witty Quotes

171. “Age is just a number. It’s irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” ~ Joan Collins
172. “If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” ~ Frank A. Clark
173. “You’re going to fall down, but the world doesn’t care how many times you fall down, as long as it’s one fewer than the numbers of times you get back up.” ~ Andy Sorkin
174. “It was the day he learned that smart, witty girls were brighter than sunlight.” ~ Olivia Fuller
175. “Next to being witty, the best thing is being able to quote another’s wit.” ~ Christian Nestell Bovee
176. “Being funny, it turns out, is like being a bank. It’s a confidence trick. As long as everyone believes in you, you are fine.” ~ Evan Davis
177. “He wasn’t aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn’t smile he didn’t look amiable.” ~ Emma Goldrick
178. “Many a witty inspiration is like the surprising reunion of befriended thoughts after a long separation.” ~ Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel
179. “If time is money and you wasted my time, then give me back my money!” ~ Ljupka Cvetanova
180. “If you were half as funny as you think you are, you’d be twice as funny as you really are.” ~ N. Turteltaub

If you enjoyed these Swag Quotes, check out…

• Funny Quotes
• Sarcastic Quotes
• Attitude Quotes
• Tattoo Quotes
• Badass Quotes
• Ramadan Quotes
• Good Friday Quotes
• Baptism Quotes
• Swag Quotes

Over to You

Thank you for reading this. I hope you liked these Witty Quotes. Which Witty Quotes you liked the most in above list? Please let us know your favorite Witty Quotes in comments section.

If you liked this article on Witty Quotes, please share this on your favorite social media portals with your friends and relatives.