130 Funny Quotes and sayings to make you laugh out loud

Some of life’s truths can be communicated in better way when it has some funny element in it.  Funny Quotes and saying do the exactly same.  These not only make you ponder, also lighten your mood when it’s needed. In this article we have curated Best Funny Quotes and Sayings, which will make you laugh out loud. Read through, memorize a few and share with your near ones.

Funny Quotes

1. “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.”~ James Thurber

2. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”~ Andy Rooney

3. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”~ A. A. Milne

4. “People kept saying ‘Go Corona’ and it went to other countries to spread across the globe.” ~ Invajy

5. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”~ Alan Dundes

6. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

7. “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”~ Eleanor Roosevelt

8. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. ”~ Albert Einstein
9. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” ~ Caroline Rhea
10. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” ~ Casey Stengel

Funniest Quotes

11. “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” ~ Ann Landers
12. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” ~ Anonymous
13. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker
14. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” ~ W.C. Fields
15. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
16. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
17. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
18. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” ~ Benny Hill
19. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Bernard Baruch
20. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~ John Wayne

Also Read: Sarcastic Quotes

Funny Inspirational Quotes

21. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” ~ Bertrand Russell
22. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” ~ Billy Wilde
23. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” ~ Abraham Lincoln
24. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” ~ Charles de Gaulle
25. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”~ Walter Matthau
26. “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” ~ H.L. Mencken
27. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ~ Charles Lamb
28. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles M. Schulz
29. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” ~ Charles Wadsworth
30. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” ~ Christopher Morley

Funny Quotes Video

Funny Quotes about Life

31. “You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. Now you tell me you love me, that’s why  I’m scared!” ~ Anonymous
32. “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”~ Dr. Seuss
33. “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”~ Cullen Hightower
34. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” ~ Mark Twain
35. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” ~ Cynthia Heimel
36. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”~ Ashleigh Brilliant
37. “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”~ Harlan Ellison
38. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”~ Dalai Lama
39. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti
40. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”~ Dale Carnegie

Funniest Quotes of all time

41. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner
42. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”~ David Lee Roth
43. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”~ Denis Waitley
44. “Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.”~ Enid Blyton
45.  “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” ~ Rose (Betty White)

46. “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”~ Desmond Morris
47. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”~ Don Marquis
48. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” ~ Anonymous
49. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”~ Groucho Marx
50. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”~ Norman Wisdom

Funny Quotes

51. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” ~ Erma Bombeck
52. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” ~ Charlie Brown
53. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” ~ Lt. Frank Drebin
54. “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”~ Joan Collins
55. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”~ Emo Philips

56. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”~ W. C. Fields
57. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” ~ Anonymous
58. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”~ George Carlin
59. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” ~ Ace Ventura
60. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Best Funny Quotes

61. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”~ Bill Maher
62. “Instant gratification takes too long.” ~ Carrie Fisher
63. “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”~ Oliver Herford
64. “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” ~ Dr. Peter Venkman
65. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”~ George Carlin

66. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” ~ Bob Hope
67. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”~ Groucho Marx
68. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”~ Lana Turner
69.  “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” ~ Mark Twain
70. “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” ~ Matt Wohlfarth

Cute Funny Quotes

71. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” ~ Homer Simpson
72. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”~ Jackie Mason
73. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” ~ Dorothy Parker
74. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”~ Jay Leno
75. “People are prisoners of their phone… that’s why it’s called a “cell phone.” ~ Invajy

76. “God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”~ Meister Eckhart
77. “I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” ~ Noelle Chatham
78. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard
79. “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld
80. “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”~ George Bernard Shaw

Top Funny Quotes

81. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” ~ Jimmy Kimmel
82.  “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” ~ Clairee Belcher
83. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” ~ Larry
84. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” ~ Groucho Marx
85. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ~ Steve Martin
86. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”~ Gertrude Stein
87. “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”~ Oscar Levant
88. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”~ Groucho Marx
89. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”~ Groucho Marx
90. “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”~ Harry S. Truman

Funny Quotes

91. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” ~ David Letterman
92. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” ~ Henny Youngman
93. “The road to success is always under construction.” ~ Lily Tomlin
94. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” ~ Jane Wagner
95. “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” ~ Oscar Wilde
96. “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” ~ Josh Billings
97. “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”~ Kin Hubbard
98. “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”~ Mark Twain
99. “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” ~ Milton Berle
100. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ~ Mitch Hedberg

Funny Quotes and sayings

101. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” ~ President Merkin Muffley
102. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” ~ Jack Handey
103. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” ~Will Ferrell
104.  “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” ~ Phyllis Diller
105. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” ~ Les Dawson
106. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ~ Mindy Kaling
107. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” ~ Joan Rivers
108. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” ~ Bobby Bouche
109. “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” ~ Frank Semyon
110. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” ~ Wanda

More Funny Quotes

111.  “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams
112. “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.” ~ Anonymous
113. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” ~ Halley Reed
114.  “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” ~ Oscar Wilde
115. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” ~ Anonymous
116. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” ~ Groucho Marx
117. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” ~ Damien Fahey
118. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ~ Noel Coward
119. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ~ Isaac Asimov
120. “By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.” ~ Don Herold

Funny Quotes

121. “It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.” ~ Gore Vidal
122.  “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” ~ Rita Mae Brown
123. “Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.” ~ Steve Martin
124. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ~ Mark Twain
125. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” ~ W.C. Fields
126. “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.’” ~ Yogi Berra
127. “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” ~ Mike Bechtle
128. “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” ~ Malcolm Forbes
129. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” ~ Oscar Wilde
130. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” ~ Lucille Ball

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